Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy New Year Headlines

by Kelley Lindberg

So, are you doing a little New Year’s cleaning today, too? Going through closets, drawers, and cabinets, trying to live up to that “decluttering” resolution on your New Year’s list?

Yeah, I gave up about an hour ago, too.

So instead of moving dusty papers out of one pile and into another (which is the highly practical activity I’ve been doing for the last couple of hours), I thought I’d post a few “dream headlines” that I’d like to see in 2012. These are stories I would really love to wake up some morning and see staring at me from the newspaper (yes, I still read those things).

1. Food Allergy Cure is 100% Successful, and Is Available Now for Free! (And no needles are involved!)

2. School Nurses are Reinstated in Every School

3. Class Sizes Restricted to 15 Students Per Teacher

4. National Debt Was Just a Typo – Billions in Surplus Redirected to Medical Research, Billions More to Education

5. Vitamin K Deficiency Discovered As Root of All Hatred. Wars, Gangs, and Bigotry Eliminated Overnight. Sales of Kale and Spinach Through the Roof. (And no one is allergic to kale or spinach anymore!)

6. Potato Chips Are New Health Craze

7. New Design Lets Desk Chair Tone Muscles, Burn Calories

8. Kids Lose Interest in Video Games Overnight! Books Are to Blame, Say Librarians

9. All Email Spammers Vanish from Earth. Officials Link Disappearance to Strange Lights in Sky Over Roswell, N.M.

And last but not least:

10. The Mayans Were Wrong: 2013 Will Be Seen at Its Regularly Scheduled Time

Hope your New Year is full of peace, health, comfort, and love.

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